{"id":25171,"date":"2024-02-05T12:00:38","date_gmt":"2024-02-05T04:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nsman.safra.sg\/?p=25171"},"modified":"2024-02-05T13:34:48","modified_gmt":"2024-02-05T05:34:48","slug":"lol-mondays-i-had-a-swell-time-in-the-army","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nsman.safra.sg\/lol-mondays-i-had-a-swell-time-in-the-army\/","title":{"rendered":"LOL Mondays: I Had A Swell Time In The Army"},"content":{"rendered":"

Whenever someone asks me about my National Service experience, I always tell them that I had a swell time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yes, I did make many friends and had a generally good NS experience. But the choice of the word \u201cswell\u201d is one that is more literal than figurative.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d wager that few if not no other NSF would have had such an affinity with swollen body parts than I did.<\/span><\/p>\n

I still remember waking up one morning and feeling soreness in my upper lip. Naturally, I didn\u2019t make much of it and went about my morning routine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMorning,\u201d I said to my fellow course mates who were brushing their teeth.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBro, are you alright?\u201d said one of them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cApart from the fact that I\u2019m sleep deprived, I guess I\u2019m fine?\u201d I replied.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cErm, you look like you got kissed by a pontianak,\u201d chuckled another.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBro, it\u2019s too early for lame jokes,\u201d I said, rolling my eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think you need to look into the mirror,\u201d said another.<\/span><\/p>\n

And there it was. A swell so bizarre it looked as if I had a sweet lodged in the upper right lip. In fact, it was such a ridiculous and embarrassing sight that I pursed my lips to hide this odd condition.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ten minutes later, during reveille, I raised my hand when the section commander for the day asked if anyone needed to see the medical officer (MO).<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what\u2019s wrong with you?\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

I unpursed my lips. He widened his eyes. Everyone laughed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoly cow. Go see the MO now!\u201d he chortled.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While marching to the medical centre, thoughts of getting sent home and enjoying a blissful day away from training streamed into my head. I fantasised about having McDonald\u2019s for lunch and zi char for dinner. But everything came crashing down when the MO sent me back to the bunk with nothing but a tube of antihistamine cream.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSir, no medical status?\u201d I asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMedical status? What you want? Excuse kissing ah?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The next incident took place during my professional term at the School of Armour. While adopting a prone position during a night exercise, my right knee came crashing down on a sharp rock on the ground. Being the, ahem, garang soldier that I was, I gave the knee a quick rub and continued with the drill.<\/span><\/p>\n

Five minutes later, however, walking became a problem. Ten minutes in, the knee was completely frozen.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHalt!\u201d yelled the platoon commander.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hilarity ensued. While everyone quickly got into a kneeling stance, I found myself shaking from side to side and jiggling around as I tried to bend the knee.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing? Get down! You\u2019re going to get all of us into trouble!\u201d said my buddy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m trying! I\u2019m trying!\u201d I said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean by you\u2019re trying! Just kneel!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think I\u2019m trying to do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know but you look like you\u2019re trying to pull off some retro dance move at Mambo night!\u201d he laughed.<\/span><\/p>\n

The giggles soon drew the attention of the course commander Major Tan. Let\u2019s just say he was far from impressed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCadet! What the hell do you think you\u2019re doing!\u201d yelled Major Tan.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSir, I can\u2019t kneel!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you trying to be funny? Are you royalty? Does your grandfather own the SAF? What do you mean you cannot kneel??\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI hurt my knee and now it cannot bend!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re going to sign seven extras if you\u2019re trying to chao keng!\u201d yelled Major Tan, as he grabbed me by the backpack and hauled me over to the medical rover. The medic then tried to roll up the right pant leg to check the problem, only to discover that he couldn\u2019t get it past the knees.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to take off your pants,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

And so there I was, sitting at the back of the medical rover, my pants hanging off my calves, my crotch exposed to the world, with a torch shining down on me.<\/span><\/p>\n

My knee was the size of cantaloupe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWow, that\u2019s big,\u201d said the medic.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know,\u201d I replied. \u201cThat\u2019s what she said.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The last incident took place a couple of months later after my course mates and I had returned from a field camp. While showering, I noticed a swollen patch the size of a drinks coaster on the front of my thigh.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Two days later, the swelling had grown into the size of my face. There was also a pustule right smack in the middle of the swelling. Once again, I crossed my fingers and prayed that I would get that elusive Attend C status. It would\u2019ve been the perfect day to get some time off from camp because we were scheduled to do maintenance for our M113 armoured personnel carriers later in the day.<\/span><\/p>\n

But the MO begged to differ. He gave me nothing but a dose of antibiotics.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSir, no status? My commanders might think I\u2019m malingering, leh,\u201d I said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh. Sure, I\u2019ll give you a status,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

A wave of excitement came over me as I slowly unfolded the slip of paper with my medical status. It felt as if I was about to learn whether I had struck Toto.<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, the MO wasn\u2019t lying. He did give me a medical status.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But he might as well not have bothered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because he gave me \u201cEXCUSE SWIMMING\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

LOL Mondays is an ongoing series of slice-of-life stories from freelance writer and NSman Alywin Chew. Look out for the humorous tales which will be posted every first Monday of the month, to help you drive away your Monday blues!<\/em><\/p>\n

Want more fun articles like this, and other lifestyle content right in your inbox? Download the new SAFRA mobile app<\/a><\/span> and opt in for the eNSman Newsletter \u2013 you don’t need to be a SAFRA member to subscribe \u2013 and never miss another story!<\/i><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When something swell is not a good thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":25172,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[863],"tags":[793,1720,1476,446],"yoast_head":"\nLOL Mondays: I Had A Swell Time In The Army<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I made many friends and had a generally good NS experience. But the choice of the word \u201cswell\u201d is one that is more literal than figurative.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"LOL Mondays: I Had A Swell Time In The Army\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I made many friends and had a generally good NS experience. 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